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Chapter 14 The Major Motives of Life (Food, love, sex, and work)

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Biology of love
Neurological origins of passionate love begin in infancy, when infants attach to the mother
Hormones involved in pleasure and reward are activated in the mother–baby bond and in the pair bond of adult lovers
- Vasopressin, oxytocin
- Increasing these oxytocin leads to:
  - Greater trust in risky situations
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  - Greater affection (e.g., gazing, touching) among romantic couples
  - But also: Increased favoritism toward ingroup, aggression toward outgroup; increased distrust among anxiously-attached people
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Recall: brain’s natural opiates
Maternal comfort in humans and nonhuman animals increases endorphins
- Euphoria of endorphins may be initial motivation for affection
- “We are addicted to love”
Similar neural responses occur in adult relationships
- Exhilaration of new love, physical and emotional distress of separation
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  - Feel like you have to be with that person
  - You can look at classic writing and people will describe longing when separated from a partner
fMRIs have shown other neurological similarities between different types of love
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- Certain parts of the brain activate when people look at pictures of their sweethearts and biological children

Two types of love and relationships:
Passionate (romantic) love
- Love characterized by a whirlwind of intense emotions and sexual desire
Companionate love
- Love characterized by affection and trust
- In most enduring relationships, passionate love evolves into companionate love

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- Passion is more short-lived
- Research shows that passion and intimacy have a somewhat inverse relationship
  - As one increases the other usually decreases

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Like infants to their caregivers, adults have attachment styles to their partners
- Idea is that the style carries over from childhood
- Secure: rarely jealous or worried about abandonment
- Anxious: agitated and worried partner will leave; clingy
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    - Need reassurance
  - Physiological component – cortisol spikes when they feel the relationship is threatened
    - People with this attachment style have greater physiological responses
      - Say the partner makes a new friend of the opposite sex, that would cause the avoidant partner’s heart-rate to increase
- Avoidant: distrustful; avoids intimate attachments
A person’s style of dealing with romantic partners seems to be based on how they were treated by their parents
- Children form internal “working models” for what relationships should be like (e.g., “Can I trust others?”) adult relationships
- How your parents treat you seems to determine how you attach to relationships in your adult life
  - However, it is just pre-disposition, it is not certain you will have this attachment style

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“I find it difficult to trust people completely. I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others. I feel nervous when people start to get too close. Often, I feel like people want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being. I find it difficult to allow myself to depend on other people.”
Which attachment style does this describe?
- a. Anxious
- b. Secure
- c. Avoidant
  - C

“I find it relatively easy to get close to other people. I am comfortable depending on other people and having them depend on me. I don’t usually worry about being abandoned or about having someone get too close to me.” Which attachment style does this describe?
- a. Anxious
- b. Secure
- c. Avoidant
  - B

Romantic love fades, yes; but not for everyone
- Can persist for many years for some couples
- But, loses the obsessive component that fosters constant thought and worry
Perception by both partners that the relationship is fair, rewarding, and balanced
- Too many or too little benefits cause guilt or resentment, respectively
Motivation: why does each partner want to maintain the relationship?
- Positive: to enjoy affection and intimacy sustainable
- Negative: to avoid feeling insecure and lonely unsustainable
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The way a couple deals with conflict often determines whether the relationship will last
Gottman (1994) describes four interpersonal styles that typically lead couples to discord and dissolution:
- Being overly critical
- Holding the partner in contempt
- Being defensive
- Mentally withdrawing from the relationship
Attributional style also plays a role
- Good outcomes -> situation
- Bad outcomes -> each other
  - Assigning the outcome of an event to be the partner’s fault
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Term	Definition
biology of love	Describes the hormones involved in pleasure in reward which are activated in the mother-baby bond and in the pair bond of adult lovers (Includes endorphines)
passionate love	Love characterized by a whirlwind of intense emotions and sexual desire
companionate love	Love characterized by affection and trust
proximity	A factor in forming relationships. The idea that we tend to choose our friends and lovers from a set of people who live, study, or work near us
similarity	A factor in forming in relationships. The fact that our friends and lovers tend to be similar to us in looks, attitudes, beliefs, values, personality, and interests
matching principle	the most successful romantic couples also tend to be the most physically similar
secure attachment	Attachment style which is rarely jealous or worried about abandonment
anxious attachment	Attachment style which describes people who are worried partner will leave
avoidant attachment	Attachment style in which people avoid intimate attachments
postive motivation for relationship	Motivation for staying in a relationship which involves enjoying affection and intimacy
negative motivation for relationship	Motivation for staying in a relationship which involves avoiding feeling insecure and lonely
Gottman’s four dissolution behaviors	Being overly critical, holding the partner in contempt, being defensive, and mentally withdrawing from a relationship